


Sirius Black's Lair of Seduction and Debauchery

by anything_thats_rock_and_roll



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:15:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21953542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anything_thats_rock_and_roll/pseuds/anything_thats_rock_and_roll
Summary: Sirius stages an elaborate series of ways to ask Remus on a date. Everyone assumes he's joking, most of all Remus himself. Chaos ensues. Happy ending.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 71





	Sirius Black's Lair of Seduction and Debauchery

“And with that, winter break is finally here! Not a single class until well after Boxing Day!” Sirius crowed as he threw himself onto a bench at the Gryffindor table. He reached across Remus to help himself to some potatoes, blocking Remus’ ability to read the textbook that sat beside his plate. 

“Siri, do you mind?” Remus said mildly.

“So what’s the plan?” Sirius continued, ignoring him. “What mischief shall we engage in to herald the start of our luxurious vacation? Shall we rustle up some shenanigans, or perhaps a hootenanny?”

“Sirius, are you drunk?” Remus wondered, at the same time James asked, “Didn’t you have plans tonight with Fabien Prewett?”

“Nah, keep with the times Prongs. I haven’t gone out with Prewett in weeks. I was trying to convince the elusive Marlene McKinnon to have dinner with me, but alas, no luck.”

“Honestly Sirius, is there anyone at Hogwarts you haven’t gone out with?” James asked, shaking his head.

“He never came onto any of us,” Peter interjected.

“Good point! Hey Re, will you go out with me?” Sirius responded immediately, his trademark roguish smile firmly in place.

“Yeah, right,” Remus snorted, without looking up from his book.

“Hey now, why not?” Sirius protested. “I’m a catch!”

“Moving past that,” James cut him off, “We really should take advantage of our first night off. How about sneaking out to Hogsmeade for a drink?”

And with that, the conversation shifted to fantastical predictions about where the night might take them. By the time Remus repacked his bag and stood up from the table, Sirius’ proposition seemed to have been entirely forgotten.

\- - - - - - - - - - 

Remus himself had nearly forgotten it too, until Christmas morning, when he awoke to find an unexpected interloper among his presents. He blinked sleepily for a moment, the result of being startled awake by his dormmates’ excited shouts, before the enormous black dog at the end of his bed came into focus.

“Merlin’s pants!” he exclaimed, looking instinctively to Sirius’ bed. His brow furrowed in confusion as he saw his friend sitting in bed. Moreover, Sirius was unmistakably human: he was sporting an epic case of bed head, and his refusal to sleep with a shirt no matter how cold it was meant that his bare chest was lit up by the morning sunlight.

“Problem, Moony?” Sirius drawled, giving him a sideways glance.

“You’re… there. But then what’s…”

“Why don’t you go look and see?” Sirius said, with an air of maddening omniscience.

Remus crawled to the foot of his bed and examined what he now realized was a nearly life-sized stuffed animal. It bore an uncanny resemblance to the Animagus form of the boy in question, with bottomless grey eyes and incredibly soft fur. Around its neck was a garland of garish heart-shaped cut outs, with a note attached that read, “Everyone knows/I’m cute as can be/will you make my Christmas/and go out with me?”

Remus threw a disbelieving look over to Sirius, whose Cheshire grin had finally caught the attention of the other boys. James leaned his lanky form over Remus’ shoulder to read the note and immediately burst out laughing.

“Really mate?” He gripped Remus’ arm to keep from falling over as he devolved into hysterics. “It’s a damn good thing you’re joking, because that is beyond hopeless.”

“Hark, look who’s talking. Have you heard the drivel that spews out of your mouth around Evans?” Sirius shot back. His tone was light, but Remus thought his smile curdled a little as he spoke.

“Marlene McKinnon still holding out on you then?” Remus asked drolly.

“Something like that,” Sirius replied. When he didn’t elaborate, Remus returned to opening his presents.

\- - - - - - - - - - 

As always, the Christmas holidays passed far too quickly. Before they knew it, the Marauders were filing down the dark, narrow hallway to the Potions dungeon for their first class back. Remus was patiently trying to explain why their last attempted prank had gone so horribly awry, but James and Sirius seemed more interested in pinning blame on each other than in understanding the esoteric theory behind the failed incantation. Giving up, he chose the chair on the far side of Peter. Perhaps this way he’d have half a chance at focusing on the lesson.

As the class settled, Slughorn drew himself up impressively at the front of the room. “Yes, yes, welcome back. I trust you all had splendid holidays.” He plucked a piece of crystalized pineapple from the glass jar on his desk and paused to savor it before continuing. “I had in mind that we might try something rather thrilling today. Of course, it’s desperately tricky, but you are all N.E.W.T. students after all. This should knock off any cobwebs that may be lingering from your vacation.

“Today, I would like you to make for me,” he paused again, seemingly to build suspense, “Amortentia. The most powerful love potion in the world. Its defining feature is its smell, which is different for each person based on what attracts them. Directions can be found on page 584 of your textbooks.” And with that he sat back in his chair and set about choosing another piece of pineapple.

Remus cursed as he thumbed open his textbook. Potions had never been his strongest subject, and Amortentia was one of the most complicated recipes they’d ever attempted. He conjured a fire beneath his cauldron and brushed his too-long hair out of his eyes. Across the table, James and Sirius were still bickering as they schemed about all the possible uses for love potions.

Nearly an hour later, Remus finished stirring the lacewing flied into his potion and stepped back to let it stew. He caught sight of Peter sweating profusely over his own cauldron, which seemed to be curdling before his eyes.

“No no no, that’s all wrong,” Remus shook his head and stepped forward, stilling Peter’s hand. “That’s ok, we can fix this,” he said bracingly, noticing Peter’s crestfallen expression, “Stir counter-clockwise, not clockwise.” He scanned the instructions again, trying to figure out exactly where Peter had gone wrong. By the time the concoction had started to resemble a potion instead of sewer sludge, the period was almost up.

Remus whipped around, terrified to see what had happened to his own neglected potion. To his surprise, it looked remarkably similar to what the book described as the finished product. Steam rose in spirals, even if they moved sluggishly, and the potion had a definite sheen, though perhaps it could not be described fully truthfully as “mother of pearl.” It seemed possible that he might actually receive full marks today. Unable to resist his curiosity, he leaned over the cauldron and took a deep breath.

The first thing that hit him was wet dog. Coughing, he took a step back. “Well that’s getting chucked in the bin,” Remus muttered under his breath, disappointed. Still, he took another sniff. He could make out the subtler scents of parchment and motor oil, as well as a sharp whiff of peppermint. His lips instinctively curved into a smile.

Through the steam that filled the room, his eyes landed across the table on Sirius, who was batting away the ladle of potion James was trying to feed him. Laughing, Sirius reached into his bag and popped a sweet into his mouth. Remus chuckled, knowing it to be a Pepper Imp, a relic from 5th year when Sirius had decided smoking would make him look cool before discovering he couldn’t stomach it.

The laugh died in his throat as Remus caught another hint of wet dog from the Amortentia. Clearly his potion was a dud, a complete fiasco. Maybe he’d mixed up boomslang and garter snake skin, and produced some messed up kind of friendship potion. That seemed plausible. Remus swept his belongings into his bag and left the classroom before his friends had even closed their textbooks.

\- - - - - - - - - - 

By February all of Hogwarts was itching to get out of the castle. Even the bitterly cold weather didn’t dampen the enthusiasm that tore through the student body with the announcement of a Valentine’s Day Hogsmeade trip. For the next several weeks, students could be seen constantly darting across corridors and pulling each other into secluded alcoves to extend invitations and make plans.

By the time the day actually came around, James had been turned down by Lily no less than six times, Peter had blushingly accepted an invitation from a 4th year girl, and Remus had made plans with Andrew, the round-cheeked Hufflepuff boy he’d gone out with twice before. Sirius remained uncharacteristically evasive about his plans, and his answer seemed to change each time he was asked.

Remus re-tied his scarf three times in the bathroom mirror before James shouted, “Come off it Remus, you’re not a sodding girl,” and dragged him down the stairs. He met Andrew in front of the painting of the pear near the kitchens, his face flushing pink when he was greeted with a kiss.

“You look smashing,” he mumbled, glancing toward the ground before leading the way toward the entrance way of the castle. Andrew smiled earnestly in response and took his hand. Before they could reach the grounds, however, they were brought up short by a commotion to his right. It sounded like what might generously be called singing.

Turning, Remus was amazed to see the entire collection of suits of armor assembled in the hallway, singing out of tune and being conducted by none other than Sirius Black. It took Remus a moment to realize that they were singing some sort of Valentine’s Day poem. Sirius turned around, grinning. Remus quirked an eyebrow at him.

“D’ya like them, Moony?” he called, “You know what they say- if you think it’s too big, go bigger!”

Remus’ mouth dropped open, horrorstruck but fighting off laughter. “Sirius, you can’t be- You must be joking!” He turned, heart sinking as he caught sight of Andrew’s stunned face. “I’m sorry- I didn’t know- Sirius is a friend-,” he stuttered, before whipping around to face Sirius. “Thanks. Really.”

And with that he strode toward the front doors. After several paces, he turned toward Andrew again. “I’m sorry about that, really. All of my friends are pranksters, and sometimes it gets out of hand. He didn’t mean anything by it. Sirius and me… it’s inconceivable.”

Andrew gave him a measured look. “I wouldn’t be too sure about that. You underestimate yourself, Remus.”

“I’d still really like to go to Hogsmeade with you, if you’ll have me. I hope this hasn’t spoiled the whole day.” As Andrew assured him that nothing was ruined, Remus glanced over his shoulder at Sirius. He was startled to see Sirius’ face twisted into an ugly frown, his grey eyes sharp with disappointment.

Remus tried valiantly to live up to his word, doing his best to keep the atmosphere light and the conversation flowing, but it was futile. Try as he might, he couldn’t quite shake the image of Sirius, looking something dangerously close to defeated, out of his mind. Andrew seemed unable to decide whether or not to take Remus’ preoccupation personally, and grew less talkative the longer they stayed in Hogsmeade. By the time they fumbled through a distinctly awkward farewell, Remus was quite glad to have reached the end of their outing.

He trudged up the steps to the dormitory, intending to retreat to the safety of a good book. As he pushed open the door, Sirius came bounding off the bed toward him.

“Hey, Re, Remus, I’m sorry.” He seemed to have been waiting for Remus to return. Remus took one look at him, dropped his heavy cloak on his bed, and turned back around.

“I’m going for a shower. Don’t wait up,” he said, before the door snapped shut behind him.

\- - - - - - - - - - 

Several weeks later, Remus and James were sat by the fire, deep in a game of wizard chess. James’ legs stretched out over half the carpet, and bottle of butterbeer dangling from his fingers. Remus leaned forward, peeling his back away from the arm of a couch, and prodded a recalcitrant pawn into place.

“Say, whatever happened with you and that Hufflepuff bloke? Andrew?” James asked, his voice just a shade too casual. “He seemed nice.”

Remus grimaced and rubbed his nose. “He, erm. He didn’t want to see me again.”

“Oi, I’m sorry mate. Did he say why not? Bishop to E6,” James added. The piece slid forward and thrashed one of Remus’ rooks.

“You’ll never believe this- he seemed to think there was something going on with Sirius and me. Ever since that mental stunt with the suits of armor.” Remus shook his head. James hummed but said nothing. Remus studied the board before directing his queen two spaces to the left.

“It’s mad, really,” Remus continued. “I mean, I get it. The joke is funny and all, but does he really have to put off anyone who’s interested in me? Why can’t he focus on his own love life, instead of trying to convince innocent Hufflepuffs that he’s trying to steal me away?”

James hummed again, staring intently at the board, before saying cryptically, “Your Hufflepuff may have had a point.”

Remus’ head snapped up, completely ignoring the piece James was moving across the board. “What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked sharply. “You know damn well Sirius has never once devoted a moment of thought to actually dating me. He only started this nonsense to be contrarian, after Peter pointed out that he’s never come onto one of us. And anyway, Sirius went out with Dallon Greenhorn last week.”

“No, he didn’t.” Peter’s voice materialized just over Remus’ shoulder, and he turned to see the portrait hole swinging closed. “He was in detention with me, we got caught trying to seal off the corridor to the Slytherin’s dungeon. He only told you that because-” Peter went pink and stopped talking.

“Checkmate,” James said, moving his queen into position and giving Remus a meaningful look.

\- - - - - - - - - - 

As usual, it was all James’ fault. Now that he’d put the idea in Remus’ head, Remus couldn’t get rid of it. He started to notice all of the stupid little things he’d never had reason to notice before: how Sirius’ hair fell elegantly around his face, highlighting the strong line of his jaw, how he always seemed to be preternaturally aware of where Sirius was in the room, how he smiled every time Sirius called him “Re.”

Each time he caught himself watching too long, wanting things he shouldn’t want, he chided himself for indulging such a hopeless fantasy. When Sirius’ thigh pressed against his at meals, he decided it was only because of the crush of people packed onto the bench. When he stumbled into the dormitory after full moons to find bars of his favorite chocolate atop his pillow, he reminded himself that Sirius was just a really good friend.

It would have been easy, if not for James and his blasted suggestions. They were all four friends, but just as there had always been “James and Sirius,” there has always been “Sirius and Remus.” It was _normal_ , dammit, for them to spend time together, to remember how the other took their tea, to worry and wait up if one of them was late coming back to the dormitory. Remus was determined not to read into things. Nothing had changed, except in his mind.

But Sirius hadn’t stopped with the damn pranks, and they were getting harder to laugh off. When Remus walked into the Charms corridor to find “Remus Lupin Makes Me Swoon” magically graffitied onto the wall, he couldn’t help a part of himself from wishing it were true. When an owl landed in front of him at breakfast bearing a note that read “Moony, will you be my boyfriend? (Check Yes or No)” he crumpled it in his fist before shoving it in his bag. But later, when he needed a spare bit of parchment, he flattened it out, checked yes, and began taking notes on the backside.

Helplessly, he watched himself pull away from Sirius, to begin the slow dissolution of their once-indestructible bond. He put a stop to the casual intimacy: he quit using the nicknames that at this point felt more natural than their given names, quit saving helpings of Sirius’ favorite desserts when he was late to dinner, quit the unconscious touches that until now had seemed normal. He found ways to avoid being alone with his best friend. And, to both his horror and his resignation, Sirius seemed to be doing the same.

Eventually, Sirius had seemed to grow tired of dreaming up evermore elaborate ways to proposition Remus. The teasing questions about who Remus may or may not be interested in stopped, as did the self-satisfied allusions to whatever next grand gesture Sirius had planned. Remus tried not to feel disappointed as he realized that they seemed to be seeing rather less of each other.

If he’d been in his right mind, Remus would have realized that a quiet Sirius is infinitely more dangerous. It didn’t occur to him that Sirius could simply be winding up for the next phase of the operation until he walked into the dormitory one night after a particularly long evening helping Peter study in the library (though Peter had seemed to understand the material fine last week, he thought in exasperation). He let out a sound of astonishment as he took in what used to be a dormitory and was now, according to the large, glittering, strobing sign, “Sirius Black’s Lair of Seduction and Debauchery.”

An enormous canopy had been draped over their two beds in the middle of the room, leaving James and Peter’s untouched on either side. Peering inside, Remus saw the entire area covered in scattered rose petals and lit by softly flickering candles. Smooth R&B music filtered out into the room, and Remus caught site of his muggle record player stowed in a corner of the tent. Hanging off the bedpost was a t-shirt with “Property of Sirius Black” emblazoned across the front.

Enough was enough. Remus tore down the stairs into the common room. This close to exams, it was packed with students cramming late into the night, but Remus immediately recognized Sirius’ leonine sprawl in one of the overstuffed armchairs. Sirius grinned up at him as he approached, oblivious to the tension coiled in his posture.

“Whatdya think of my handywork, Re?” he asked.

“Are. You. Mental?” Remus cut him off. “This has got to stop! I haven’t seen you put this much effort into a prank since the time you spent a month charming James’ socks to scream when he put them on, one at a time.

“Oi, that was you? Bugger,” James interjected, leaning over the side of his couch.

“Never mind that!” Remus barked. “I know it’s all a joke to you and I’m supposed to just laugh it off and play along but I can’t. It’s driving me mad.”

“Blimey Remus it’s not-” Sirius started.

“I don’t even know why you’ve become so invested in this prank. You have half of Hogwarts throwing themselves at you day and night to keep you occupied. I can’t possibly be that entertaining to have a go at. But it’s not a joke to me and I can’t stop thinking about you and it’s got to stop. ” Remus paused to suck in a breath. At this point, most people had abandoned their textbooks to gawk at the spectacle before them. Remus knew he was causing a scene but couldn’t bring himself to care.

“Remus will you shut up a minute and listen to me?” Sirius stood up from his chair. Though the top of his head barely reached Remus’s eyeline, there was something imposing about the way he held himself. Remus fell silent.

“It’s not a bloody joke, Re. I’m serious.”

“You’re always Sirius,” Remus muttered under his breath.

“I’m not kidding. I think you’re brilliant. I want to take you out and hold your hand and borrow your sweaters and do all kinds of revoltingly sweet things. I’ve been trying to get your attention for months now. For real. _Seriously._ ”

Remus opened and closed his mouth several times. “Oh. Well then,” he said eloquently, when he’d regained the ability to speak. “That’s…”

“Son of a bludger,” Sirius muttered, grabbing Remus by the shirt and hauling him in for a kiss.


End file.
